Grieving the loss of space and place: For Marshall Fire Victims
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I’d like to dedicate today’s piece to all who have been affected by the Marshall Fire in Boulder County. All of us are touched to one extent or another—those who have lost everything, those whose home is spared but whose neigbourhood is gone, those who have to drive past the devastation on their way to work, those who lost the beauty of beloved places and spaces, all of us who feel the wound to our once safe and comfortable locality. And on a larger scale, this catastrophe, along with Typhoon Odette in the Philippines, the tornadoes that destroyed entire towns in Kentucky, last year’s devastating floods in Europe—the list could go on—touches each one of us around the world, faced with unimaginable damage to our only home, Mother Earth.
Let’s look at some of the ways we can respond to loss of home, space and beloved places.
A typical first stage of any loss is a sense of numbness, or even euphoria. After the loss of our home and all our belongings, we may be overwhelmed with gratitude for making it out alive, and feel a lightness and freedom with respect to all the stuff that is gone. Or we may be numb, just getting on with all the paperwork for insurance, FEMA and so on. If we are supporting a person who has been through this kind of loss, it’s best not to take the, ‘It’s just stuff,’ stage at face value. Powerful feelings of grief and loss may not have had time to surface. There’s a type of sudden enlightenment within the lightness and euphoria—it’s a moment of awakening to reality, to impermanence. It’s true that everything except the Divine is transitory and will ultimately be lost. However, we need to balance that absolute view with our human existence in the relative world, where there are many things that we do in fact need to have.
During these early stages of shock, bewilderment and disbelief, it may be very helpful to take Bach Flower Rescue Remedy, which will help you move through the shock. Once your circumstances permit, it’s also important to calm your vata by oiling and sweating. Massage your whole body and scalp with oil, relax for twenty minutes and then take a hot shower or warm bath. Ideally, use sesame oil for vata, sunflower for pitta and a blend of coconut, castor and flax for kapha.
The stages of grief don’t manifest in a linear way. From the outset of a big loss, we may experience moments of intense anger, as well as a longing and yearning for all that our home meant to us. I well remember my days as a junior doctor. It’s hard enough to be the one to bring the family into the parlour and break the news that their loved-one has died; harder still to receive a response of anger that only adds to the remorse and grief about losing a patient. We’ve seen this in the Pandemic too. All too often, grief for the life we used to have manifests as anger towards public health officials. Where the fire is concerned, those of us who are affected might find ourselves expressing anger towards first responders who are trying to keep us safe, to the best of their ability, or towards local functionaries. Such outbursts may not be logical or helpful, but they are quite natural. Patience and empathy are the best responses. Patience with ourselves, forgiving ourselves for the angry outbursts, patience with anyone whose grief is expressing in this way.
We may also experience guilt, regret and remorse, especially if we lost a pet in the fires. We get caught in repeating loops of ‘if only.’ If only I didn’t go to the store, if only I wasn’t out of town, if only I was more prepared, and so on. These cycles are part of how we respond to traumatic loss. We blame others, we blame ourselves; it’s part of trying to make sense of what happened. However, it isn’t really helpful. If you get caught in loops of guilt and regret, try Pine flower essence, to ease self-blame. If you are trapped in victimhood, resentment and blame of others, try Willow flower essence. Ultimately, guilt and blame are ways we distance ourselves from experiencing the rawness of grief and sorrow. Yet it is only when we meet sorrow and loss head on that we can heal.
Our loss may call us to a time of pulling back, as we take space to be present with the sadness. There may be moments of despair. How can we possibly regain what we have lost, how can we rebuild? When moving through a catastrophic loss, guidance from a therapist can help us access our deep wellsprings of resilience. There is a pearl at the bottom of the depths of despair, and we are innately designed to find the pearl. Sweet Chestnut flower essence could also be supportive in a time when we have lost everything and can’t seem to find a way forward. And the Ayurvedic herb Brahmi can be taken as a tea, to help us regain our balance.
It’s normal to move through emotions such as shock, anger, regret, blame and despair. And it’s normal for emotions we thought we had left behind to catch us by surprise at a vulnerable moment. What will the holidays next year be like, for those of us whose lives were upended between Christmas and New Year’s Eve? I know that for me, New Year’s Eve has had a different character ever since my Dad died on that day. Yet if we can allow ourselves to be present with our feelings, then gently, gradually, little by little, they will transform, and we will be the richer for it. Bring a gentle and compassionate presence to your feelings of loss in the face of this tragedy, even when things seem overwhelming. And for all of us, let’s remain painfully aware of what is happening to our Earth, and the impact of the Climate Crisis on our lives and those of all beings.
As J Krishnamurti wrote:
Out of the fullness of thy heart
Invite sorrow,
And the joy thereof shall be in abundance.
As the streams swell
After the great rains,
And the pebbles rejoice once again
In the murmur of running waters,
So shall thy wanderings by the wayside
Fill the emptiness that createth fear.
Sorrow shall unfold the weaving of life;
Sorrow shall give the strength of loneliness;
Sorrow shall open unto thee
The closed doors of thy heart.
The cry of sorrow is the voice of fulfillment,
And the rejoicing therein Is the fullness of Life.
Alakananda Ma M.B., B.S. (Lond.) is an Ayurvedic Doctor (NAMA) and graduate of a top London medical school. She is co-founder of Alandi Ayurveda Clinic and Alandi Ayurveda Gurukula in Boulder Colorado, as well as a spiritual mother, teacher, flower essence maker and storyteller. Alakananda is a well known and highly respected practitioner in the Ayurveda community both nationally and internationally.
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